


The Why Me dating pool of life.

by Kivren



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Mating Rituals, School health class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 15:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14381148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kivren/pseuds/Kivren
Summary: Spring is in the air and poor coach Finstock hates it.He signed up to teach kids sports not the birds and the bees.





	The Why Me dating pool of life.

May 1st  
Mayday  
Tra la la and all that crap.  
God I hate spring.  
Why do they automatically put the gym teacher in charge of health class?  
I didn't sign up for this.  
***********  
Spring was in the air. Damnit.  
He looked down into the large mug of coffee and mentally revisited his list of why he couldn't add bourbon to it.  
1\. He was at work.  
2\. Professional respect.  
3\. Oh really who was he kidding he lost all respect for his profession the first year he was a teacher.  
4\. His boss  
Yeah, that sneaky bastard had been in his office this morning holding the super-secret bottom drawer bottle that he had stowed in his desk especially for this day.  
"Morning coach."  
"I notice you didn't imply that it was good."  
"I try not to lie to you when I'm already giving you bad news."  
"I see you have my bottle, so that can't be what you are here to tell me. So what happened? No, wait, let me guess the school board turned down my request for tazers?"  
"Yes Bobby, you knew they would."  
"Clothes pins? My squirt bottle? A fire hose maybe?"  
"No, Yes, No."  
"Damnit, they have no idea what I am...wait there was a yes in there."  
"Yes Bobby, this year they allowed the squirt bottle. Somebody did the math and realized that Stilinski's kid would be in your class. Who knew the board had a heart?"  
With that the Bourbon stealing bastard leaned over and poured one solid shot into the coffee cup. With his other hand he tucked a box of breath mints in his shirt pocket.  
"May whatever you worship have mercy on you this year Finstock. I am confiscating this bottle for the good of the school. Mostly the poor girls softball coach, its her first year teaching and she has the Martin and Reyes girls to wrangle."  
"Poor kid. Tell me the truth, administration never includes health class in the job description until after the contract is signed on purpose don't they."  
"Hey they never told me that as principle part of my job would be shaking down my teachers for booze every spring just because they have to teach health and mating 101."  
"Touche, were we ever that bad?"  
"Nah, we didn't have the Internet feeding us ideas. We had to think of all the shit to pull on our own."  
"You didn't..."  
"Not saying any of it here, what if McCall or Stilinski were to over hear?"  
"Next year I get my stun baton, or you are adding a bail clause to my contract. I know things now."  
"I will do my best."  
"You do or I will sign you up as a park monitor."  
"You are a cruel hearted bastard."  
"Yes sir, I am."  
****************************************************  
"All right listen up you maggots, take a seat and shut your mouths. This is the first day of your super special new class Health and Mating 101. You will read the book on your desk, You will listen and take notes. You will be respectful to any and all dynamics in this class. Please turn to page 1."  
"Hey Danny, I heard they call this hump and dump"  
Squirt.  
"What the..."  
Squirt  
"Watch your mouth Whitmore or you will be running suicides until you drop."  
He surveyed the room with narrowed eyes and a bright red squirt bottle in his right hand.  
"Now as you all can see I have been sanctioned to use this as a means of enforcing order. This is in addition to detentions on the athletic field. Lets get this over with shall we? This class is called Health and mating 101. It is not called 'Hump and dump' its is not called 'Hoochies on the field' It is not called 'How to hide the knot' or any other foolish title you can come up with.  
This is in fact an important educational process that will prepare you for the many changes that you may experience as you make your way through that brutal time in your life called puberty. Over the next year your poor brains will marinate in a toxic mixture of your own hormones and whatever contraband booze you manage to smuggle. Which I do not in any way condone nor excuse. I hope Stilinski's dad catches any of you who do that and makes you clear roadside ditches."  
"Thanks coach, I will tell him you say hi."  
"You do that."  
"First question of the day, who can name the three dynamics?"  
The floor always became so interesting at this time. No one wanted to take a chance on making eye contact.  
"Greenberg, name one."  
"Ummmm...""  
"McCall."  
"Beta."  
"Mahealani."  
"Alpha."  
"You wish baby."  
Squirt Squirt  
"Okay pretty boy what's left?"  
"Omegas, bitches"  
Squirt Squirt Squirt  
"Aww come on coach"  
"Last warning Whitmore before I have you cleaning the bleachers and karma has you presenting as omega."  
"That's not how it works coach.""  
"Shut it Greenberg. Moving on. No, an Alphas knot will not fall off if they don't get laid. No Omegas will not in fact breed anything that moves during heat. Yes actually Betas are fully sexually functional and do not live as crazy monks, where do people get these ideas? Again, please leave any questions you may have in the question box and I will answer them at the end of class."  
"Coach, why do e have to take this class now?"  
"So that you are not complete idiots. Also, because studies have proven sometime between 17 and 18 is the premier time for presentation. So seniors who are both 18 and presented are invited to participate in the Beacon Hills mating run each year."  
"Isn't that tonight?"  
"I have alot of reasons to hate May 1st"  
"But why do we start the class on the day of the run?"  
"One class graduates, another takes its place. Also, we only have so many text books and desks in here."  
"Is it true if you don't catch some one at the run you will always be alone?"  
"Seriously? Genetic diversity people! Most of you wont find someone until you go away to college or wherever you end up. There is absolutely no guarantee that you and your highschool Boo will live happily ever after."  
Snorts echoed around the room. Along with mulish expressions. Teenagers.  
"Read the first two chapters and answer the questions at the end of each. Be prepared to discuss in small groups tomorrow."  
***********************************************************************  
The moon was climbing high above the trees of the preserve and the howls of the sucessful chases were echoing in the clear air. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw the pushing and shoving, claws and fangs and the stench of hormones. He shuddered where he stood.  
A shouder bumping in to him drew him out of his thoughts. He opened his eyes to look over at the principle. In his hands he held a large glass bottle with a pretty ribbon wrapped around it.  
"Shifts over Bobby. Heres to surviving another year of park duty."  
"Why do I do this to myself again?"  
"I would never tell anyone, but I think you do it to watch out for the kids."  
His lip curled up into a ferocious sneer as he reached for the bottle.  
"I will deny it until my dying day. Also, we caught Stilinski and McCall before they made it to the woods, any one else?"  
"Only the Whitmore boy. Every year its somebody trying to get ahead of the curve."  
"Yeah, you bring cups?"  
"Got'em right here."  
"Here's to surviving Hearts and hormones 102 one more time."  
"Good one Bobby."  
Glasses were clinked and the toast was made.


End file.
